Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Ocean's Twelve (2004, Steven Soderbergh)

"Daniel Ocean recruits one more team member so he can pull off three major European heists in this sequel to Ocean's 11"

The plotline right on top of this sentence is pure bullshit. I wish I could write "Danny Ocean decides to pull off another heist" I wish it was that simple but it isn't at all. I cant even put into words what the exact plot of Ocean's 12 actually is. I just know that is has the general outline of "Ocean pulls a heist" but it somehow gets extremely complicated and leaves you scratching your head. It also isn't as bad as people say, it is far worse. This is the definition of a horrible movie.

Sure there are worse movies but given the stars, director, and potential it had to be something simple and entertaining...it fails to an incredible level. How bad is this film? Well, there is a scene where the worlds greatest thief breakdances for 5 minutes while he avoids security lasers in a museum. That's right, 5 minutes of a cat burglar breakdancing through lasers. It really is that bad.

I do admit though that I was at first saying "this is way better than everyone said" I even remember thinking "this is better than the first one by far" but somewhere around the 40 minute mark the whole film starts going downhill and it just keeps going further down and the whole time you are just hoping that it will somehow all work out but it just gets worse with every minute. With about 20 minutes left to the film, when the big heist goes down, I literally didn't care at all about anything that was happening to the film. I actually felt my brain just give up somewhere during the second hour.

What makes it so bad? Everything. Well, the actors are having fun at least. That's about it. In the little thing I wrote about Ocean's 11 I mention that it is a good example of what happens when a talented and sometimes artistic director does a studio film with a big cast. This is the perfect example when that whole situation goes wrong and the director maybe has too much freedom over his studio film. Soderbergh in this film decides to leave all the vibrant colors and editing tricks behind but decides to keep the witty storytelling techniques intact. The thing is that it goes to the extreme level with this. Soderberghs direction is so wild in this film that it really is amazing.

I could go on but fuck it. I don't want to waste more time on it. I will just say that this movie has to have one of the most annoying sequences of all time: When pulling off the heist they run into some trouble and need some help robbing a museum. So, they decide to get Julia Roberts character to dress up and act like....wait for it....Julia Roberts! Julia Roberts character then helps rob this museum because since her character looks so much like Julia Roberts she is easily able to go into anywhere because everyone thinks shes Julia Roberts. This is easily the most retarded piece of shit I have ever seen and you can clearly tell everyone thought this was the most wittiest thing ever written and filmed.

This film is just horrible. I could go on about the worthless and utterly stupid Catherine Zeta Jones subplot but just thinking back on it annoys me or I could go on about the tons of plotholes, but no. This one is just too horrible. It's a pain to sit through and pain to actually think back on.

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