Ocean's Twelve (2004, Steven Soderbergh)

"Daniel Ocean recruits one more team member so he can pull off three major European heists in this sequel to Ocean's 11"

The plotline right on top of this sentence is pure bullshit. I wish I could write "Danny Ocean decides to pull off another heist" I wish it was that simple but it isn't at all. I cant even put into words what the exact plot of Ocean's 12 actually is. I just know that is has the general outline of "Ocean pulls a heist" but it somehow gets extremely complicated and leaves you scratching your head. It also isn't as bad as people say, it is far worse. This is the definition of a horrible movie.

Sure there are worse movies but given the stars, director, and potential it had to be something simple and entertaining...it fails to an incredible level. How bad is this film? Well, there is a scene where the worlds greatest thief breakdances for 5 minutes while he avoids security lasers in a museum. That's right, 5 minutes of a cat burglar breakdancing through lasers. It really is that bad.

I do admit though that I was at first saying "this is way better than everyone said" I even remember thinking "this is better than the first one by far" but somewhere around the 40 minute mark the whole film starts going downhill and it just keeps going further down and the whole time you are just hoping that it will somehow all work out but it just gets worse with every minute. With about 20 minutes left to the film, when the big heist goes down, I literally didn't care at all about anything that was happening to the film. I actually felt my brain just give up somewhere during the second hour.

What makes it so bad? Everything. Well, the actors are having fun at least. That's about it. In the little thing I wrote about Ocean's 11 I mention that it is a good example of what happens when a talented and sometimes artistic director does a studio film with a big cast. This is the perfect example when that whole situation goes wrong and the director maybe has too much freedom over his studio film. Soderbergh in this film decides to leave all the vibrant colors and editing tricks behind but decides to keep the witty storytelling techniques intact. The thing is that it goes to the extreme level with this. Soderberghs direction is so wild in this film that it really is amazing.

I could go on but fuck it. I don't want to waste more time on it. I will just say that this movie has to have one of the most annoying sequences of all time: When pulling off the heist they run into some trouble and need some help robbing a museum. So, they decide to get Julia Roberts character to dress up and act like....wait for it....Julia Roberts! Julia Roberts character then helps rob this museum because since her character looks so much like Julia Roberts she is easily able to go into anywhere because everyone thinks shes Julia Roberts. This is easily the most retarded piece of shit I have ever seen and you can clearly tell everyone thought this was the most wittiest thing ever written and filmed.

This film is just horrible. I could go on about the worthless and utterly stupid Catherine Zeta Jones subplot but just thinking back on it annoys me or I could go on about the tons of plotholes, but no. This one is just too horrible. It's a pain to sit through and pain to actually think back on.


- *

Ocean's Eleven (2001, Steven Soderbergh)

"Danny Ocean and his ten accomplices plan to rob three Las Vegas casinos simultaneously"

Once again the plot is Danny Ocean wants some revenge from the guy who is dating his ex wife, so he decides to recruit his team of thieves and rob him. The plot line is the only thing that is similar to the original film along with the name of "Danny Ocean" Even with that, the plot isn't really executed the same at all. Hell, the only real similarity is just the name of the lead character.

This all brings the question of "why remake a movie and then not even remake the movie at all?" I seriously have no idea and even Steven Soderbergh states that he wanted to distance himself from the original. Well, he did a good job at doing that. I think the real reason why Soderbergh decided to "remake" the film is not because he wanted to bring the story to a new audience but instead wanted to try to recapture the slick coolness that is clearly visible in the original film. Here comes the rant....

Soderbergh gives us a film that is a bunch of A-List actors playing their own charming selves while executing a simple and entertaining plot. This same formula is what made the original film so cool, seeing all these actors and musicians just playing themselves and interacting with eachother. Soderbergh nails it right here. The dialogue between the actors seems natural and the actors always seem confident and at ease during the whole film thus making the film entertaining for the audience. If only the "hey lets be cool" factor could end right here. Soderbergh however decides that his direction should be super cool, as should everything else, and this is where I have always had a problem with the film. Soderberghs constant use of using tons of editing tricks, vibrant color tints, non stop jazzy score, and witty storytelling techniques is just too much. it all screams of "THIS IS SO COOL AND SLICK!!" and it never really reaches the level of wittiness or coolness that the film is trying so hard to portray. Sure, the finished product is slick and cool but it would be a lot more cooler and slick if the director wasn't shoving his bag of tricks down your throat every single second.

Now this doesnt mean that I hate the film or even dislike the film. I enjoy the film a lot and think its a great studio film and a very entertaining ride. I just think that it's not the excellent and witty film that it so desperately wants to be.

Soderbergh even with all his hits and misses has always been a very interesting director to me and this is a good proof of what happens when you give a talented and sometimes artistic director the freedom to make a studio film with a big cast. He could have made a straight forward caper film but his constant editing tricks and what nots are always interesting even if they don't work all the time. I applaud him for doing this film and now after seeing the other two installments I really do appreciate what he did with this film. I really do appreciate that he was able to execute this film while never letting things get sloppy and never minimizing any actors screentime or presence. It seems that this is close to impossible to pull off especially after seeing the disaster of Ocean's 12.

- ***